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Saturday, October 31, 2009

That's just wrong...

Let me start by introducing the topic of this blog...

There are more things wrong with this video than I can count but let me point out a few things that make my scalp itch.

Why don't I start at the beginning. The yellow-orange/brown combination is bad. No one has ever looked good in this combination of colors. If you aren't forced to wear these colors together by something like school spirt, don't. If they really are your school colors, do what you can to make your parents move. Your school is going to loose and you have a better chance at a scholarship playing for a better team anyway.

Then there is the performance. Let's be honest from the start. Ventriloquists are moderately creepy on their own and their dummies don't help improve things. I don't care who you are, if you disagree with that basic truth, you need to see a counselor. Sooner would be better. At the very least, please get help before you breed. It would be wrong of you to subject a child to something so heinous.

Now let's take a look at the ventriloquists themselves. Oh gods... There isn't a single one who isn't creepy beyond imagining. First, there is open mouth dude. You seem to be trying to smile but, clearly, it is a grimace and not to be mistaken for any kind of sign of pleasure. We can see your clenched jaw and flappy tongue. We can even see the tear forming in the corner of your eye. You know, the one you have been trying to hold back since you were seven?... Just let it go and put the dummy away.

Then there is "guy with the smile". Frankly sir, you need to have your head kept in a bag, with or without a dummy. You are creepy and I can feel my insides roiling and becoming pasty with sickness when I see you. Nothing you can do will be able to fix the problem anymore. Let the dummy go and go become a clown. At least they are acceptably creepy.

Big bushy mustache man... SHAVE! We can see your mouth moving even through that monster you have on your upper lip. I understand that you think it helps mask the fact that you are talking for your doll but you are wrong. You aren't fooling anyone anyway so why try?

Guy in the back row?... You have been doing this way too long. It seems clear to me that the dummy is, possibly, your only friend and that you are very fond of him. You are probably the best in the group in doing what you do but that only makes things more sad. I am sorry for whatever your parents or foster parents may have done to you when you were growing up that caused you to be so horribly broken but I am sure there is a medication that will help.

I haven't got the stomach to go through all of them individually but I think it is fairly obvious that nothing here is right. Seriously. Nothing.

There is one more thing that I have to point out about this video. Sadly, I think that this may be the most disturbing part of all. I have no idea what might be being said in the end but I am pretty sure I caught the name of the network.


I know NBC has been going down hill for a while now and, according to some sources, may be dying entirely if they don't do something different. Here is an idea guys... STOP ALLOWING SHIT LIKE THIS TO EXIST ON YOUR NETWORK!!!!!

Sorry to yell like that but seriously, the answer is to find better programming and not to show things that scare away the few viewers you have left. I may be able to help with this. Fire both, the person who canceled "Life" and the person responsible for this atrocity. Within moments, the average intelligence in your offices will improve and then you can start looking for a way to turn things around. If you need more help, contact me. I will happily do what I can for you for a modest salary.

Anyway, sorry to have put you all through that video but I suffered through it and so you had to as well. Have fun!

Facts are ventriloquists dummies. Sitting on a wise man's knee they may be made to utter words of wisdom; elsewhere, they say nothing or talk nonsense, or indulge in sheer diabolism.
-Aldous Huxley-

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