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Monday, October 19, 2009


I just had a conversation with a neighbor/friend person I know and something came up that just won't leave my brain alone. I am going to share this with you in the hopes that it helps to quiet the screaming the voices are doing inside my head.

She shared a story wherein she took a friend of hers down to "the river" to go camping. Well, as it turns out this particular water has no water in it. Ergo, no river.

Oh gods did things ever take a turn.

First of all, do not tell me that I am not "country" enough to understand that it's still a river. It is NOT still a river. Rivers have water in them. Rivers HAVE to have water in them. It's what makes them a gods-damned river! If there is no water then it is a dried up river bed. It is not, I repeat NOT still a river when there is no water flowing through it!

That is something like saying to me, "Hey, what do you think of all this rain? Kinda dry, isn't it?"

No! No it isn't fucking dry! It is rain! Rain is water, water is wet! Go to your corner and HIT YOURSELF until you learn something. I don't care what you learn. The important thing is that when you come back to speak to me, you need to be smarter or I can't be held responsible for my actions.

Now... If you want to say something like, "Well, we just all call it the river," fine. You are still wrong but I can accept that you refer to it that way and let it go. But for fucks sake, don't you DARE tell me I am wrong for insisting that a river has water.

Let's go ask Erin at Wordnik again and see what they have to say.

  1. noun A large natural stream of water emptying into an ocean, lake, or other body of water and usually fed along its course by converging tributaries.
  2. noun A stream or abundant flow.
I feel I need to take a moment and point out a couple of key words I noticed in there, just in case you might have missed them...

Item number the first: ~Water~

Item number the second: ~Flow~

I would take a moment to point out the words abundant or stream but then I have to look up more definitions with more words to point out and so on and so on... It would lead to stress, anarchy, plagues of frogs, zombie wars, locusts (::cringe::) and the eventual demise of civilization and I just can't fucking take it.

::Deep breath...::


Seriously now though, I could have left it alone if it weren't for the phrase, "You don't know what you're talkin' about. You just aren't country enough..."

This is why people assume country folk are morons!

I have known plenty of people in the south and many more in the country. Some of them have even affected that bumpkin like speech pattern where they sound kind of like they are just too damned lazy to finish forming the words. I have to tell you though, some of those people are pretty damned smart! I will just about guarantee that any one of them can tell me about things I know nothing about.

What I am trying to say here is this. I am a very smart guy but I am more than willing to accept that there are things you know more about than I do. If you would care to correct or educate me on any one of those things, I welcome the chance to expand my personal knowledge. (Alright, honestly I am a bit of a know-it-all. But I swear, once I realize you are right and I am wrong, I will not only admit it but I will then apologize for ever having insisted I was correct in the first place.)

But never, ever, tell me that I am wrong on something that gods damned simple. Especially not when there are any number of ways to look and prove the truth.

So, to sum up... This is a river

This, is not a river.

Did everybody catch the difference? I hope it wasn't too subtle. (Just in case... The second one is DRY!)

You don't drown by falling into water. You drown by staying there.
-Robert Allen-


  1. ROFL... best blog post ever.

    So, how do you feel about a DRY "river bed"?

    Does "bed" change anything for you?

    No, really?

    I feel like debating... even though I totally agree with every word of your post.

  2. BTW, I ask because, according to Merriam-Webster, "riverbed" refers to the CHANNEL, not the contents (or lack of) therein:

    Main Entry: riv·er·bed
    Pronunciation: \-ˌbed\
    Function: noun
    Date: 1833
    : the channel occupied by a river

    But yeah, a "river" has water. ALWAYS.

  3. I am fine with riverbed... Riverbed is wonderful... As long as we aren't going to sit here and debate whether or not water is wet. (It is by the way... Find anyone who says otherwise and I happily ne' gleefully give you permission to hit them.)

  4. Hahaha! Yew jest ain't country 'nuff, boy!

    "Go into a corner and hit yourself until you learn something" - I am going to have to use that!

  5. I know some people who would argue, "till thar blew intha face" that water is, in fact, dry.

    I'd point them out, but you know them, too.


  6. Heheh... Glad you liked it Joan.

    Tracy, haven't we sworn never to discuss these people again?