I Believe...

I believe in magic. I believe it is there for us to harness and ride as soon as we accept it as real. I believe we should get on that, before it's too late.

I believe Dragons and Unicorns are constantly lurking just around the next bend. I believe we can see them if we just remember how to look properly.

I believe that friends are the most important thing and that to have friends means to be a friend.

I believe that whatever we set our minds to is, indeed, possible. I do not believe that there are limits to this fact. I also believe that those people who do strive to put limits to this should be kept away from the rest of us because they are dragging our asses down.

I believe that we can be who we want simply because we want to. Furthermore, I believe that anyone who tries to tell us it is wrong to be who we are, should be beaten with a stick until they come around or cease inhabiting our universe; whichever comes first.

I believe that hard work and dedication can overcome all obstacles. I believe that, properly recognized and encouraged, a person who shows themselves to be capable of both traits can rule their world with an iron fist balanced by ultimate tenderness.

I believe that all problems can be solved. I believe that human ingenuity is such that, by bending our will to a problem, we can overcome the insurmountable.

I believe that anything is possible. I believe that in our trek to the stars, we will confront our limits and exceed them on the strength of our sheer stubbornness alone.

I believe in monsters. I believe they are hiding just out of sight to ruthlessly pounce on the unwary. I believe that, armed with a fire poker, said monster can be permanently banished.

I believe that the world is full of stupid people who are unaware of their own stupidity. I believe that, every once in a while, every single one of us is guilty of being one of those stupid people. I believe our truest friends should smack us with a rolled up newspaper whenever we cross that line.

I believe that love is real and in many guises. I believe that love is returned to us by its very recognition. I believe that, when we find someone we love, we should cherish them and go out of our way to keep them safe; not sheltered.

I believe that smothering someone is just as dangerous as ignoring them. I believe that the adage, "Keep thy friends close and thine enemy closer," deserves to be reinterpreted as "try to befriend everyone".

I believe in fairies. I believe they are closer than we believe and more substantial than we imagine. I believe their headquarters is just up the way, beyond the deer-head in the road. I believe the wisest course is to heed the warning.

I believe that kindness is not always the best course. I believe that kindness can be a hindrance in large enough quantities and that it should be carefully tempered by truth.

I believe that, sometimes, violence is the answer. I believe that on occasion a little bit of violence can save a great deal of pain and that, in those rare instances, the violence should be freed of its shackles and chains and let loose until the other side of understanding can be reached.

I believe that every person we meet is meant to be either a friend or an estranged acquaintance. I believe nothing is wrong with either and that the only difference between the two is in their levels of understanding.

I believe that it is important to hold true to our individual beliefs. I believe that anyone who insists your beliefs are wrong should be forced to sit in a chair and examine their own faith until they understand where they've left the path.

I believe that understanding can be accomplished through a delicate combination of listening and hearing. I believe that, by refusing to be open to understanding others, we close ourselves off and, ultimately, make ourselves poorer for our ignorance.

I believe that knowledge is wealth and that no flavor of knowledge is exempted from this fact. I believe that by learning all we can while we are here, we prepare ourselves to move beyond.

I believe that spiritualism is every bit as valid as faith. I believe that they are one and the same and are all but interchangeable. I believe that it is a basic part of the human condition to rely on one or the other to help us see more clearly.

I believe that anger is no excuse for cruelty and that cruelty is an unacceptable byproduct of fear. I truly believe that fear can be overcome and that it is in an individual's best interest to do so.

I believe that ignorance is bliss but wisdom is joy and, while each person should be allowed to choose their own path, each person should also be educated and made aware that it is, in fact, a choice.

I believe that, sometimes, the best way to find the path is to travel more deeply into the woods. I believe that darkness is the easiest place to find the light.

I believe that the opposite of death is creation.

I believe that occasionally examining our beliefs helps us to better know ourselves.

I believe that every thing of beauty is both magical and majestic and that we owe it to ourselves to bask in their existence and be enriched by them

What do you believe?

Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe.
-Gail Devers-

That's just wrong...

Let me start by introducing the topic of this blog...



There are more things wrong with this video than I can count but let me point out a few things that make my scalp itch.

Why don't I start at the beginning. The yellow-orange/brown combination is bad. No one has ever looked good in this combination of colors. If you aren't forced to wear these colors together by something like school spirt, don't. If they really are your school colors, do what you can to make your parents move. Your school is going to loose and you have a better chance at a scholarship playing for a better team anyway.

Then there is the performance. Let's be honest from the start. Ventriloquists are moderately creepy on their own and their dummies don't help improve things. I don't care who you are, if you disagree with that basic truth, you need to see a counselor. Sooner would be better. At the very least, please get help before you breed. It would be wrong of you to subject a child to something so heinous.

Now let's take a look at the ventriloquists themselves. Oh gods... There isn't a single one who isn't creepy beyond imagining. First, there is open mouth dude. You seem to be trying to smile but, clearly, it is a grimace and not to be mistaken for any kind of sign of pleasure. We can see your clenched jaw and flappy tongue. We can even see the tear forming in the corner of your eye. You know, the one you have been trying to hold back since you were seven?... Just let it go and put the dummy away.

Then there is "guy with the smile". Frankly sir, you need to have your head kept in a bag, with or without a dummy. You are creepy and I can feel my insides roiling and becoming pasty with sickness when I see you. Nothing you can do will be able to fix the problem anymore. Let the dummy go and go become a clown. At least they are acceptably creepy.

Big bushy mustache man... SHAVE! We can see your mouth moving even through that monster you have on your upper lip. I understand that you think it helps mask the fact that you are talking for your doll but you are wrong. You aren't fooling anyone anyway so why try?

Guy in the back row?... You have been doing this way too long. It seems clear to me that the dummy is, possibly, your only friend and that you are very fond of him. You are probably the best in the group in doing what you do but that only makes things more sad. I am sorry for whatever your parents or foster parents may have done to you when you were growing up that caused you to be so horribly broken but I am sure there is a medication that will help.

I haven't got the stomach to go through all of them individually but I think it is fairly obvious that nothing here is right. Seriously. Nothing.

There is one more thing that I have to point out about this video. Sadly, I think that this may be the most disturbing part of all. I have no idea what might be being said in the end but I am pretty sure I caught the name of the network.

NBC.

I know NBC has been going down hill for a while now and, according to some sources, may be dying entirely if they don't do something different. Here is an idea guys... STOP ALLOWING SHIT LIKE THIS TO EXIST ON YOUR NETWORK!!!!!

Sorry to yell like that but seriously, the answer is to find better programming and not to show things that scare away the few viewers you have left. I may be able to help with this. Fire both, the person who canceled "Life" and the person responsible for this atrocity. Within moments, the average intelligence in your offices will improve and then you can start looking for a way to turn things around. If you need more help, contact me. I will happily do what I can for you for a modest salary.

Anyway, sorry to have put you all through that video but I suffered through it and so you had to as well. Have fun!

Facts are ventriloquists dummies. Sitting on a wise man's knee they may be made to utter words of wisdom; elsewhere, they say nothing or talk nonsense, or indulge in sheer diabolism.
-Aldous Huxley-

Rivers...

I just had a conversation with a neighbor/friend person I know and something came up that just won't leave my brain alone. I am going to share this with you in the hopes that it helps to quiet the screaming the voices are doing inside my head.

She shared a story wherein she took a friend of hers down to "the river" to go camping. Well, as it turns out this particular water has no water in it. Ergo, no river.

Oh gods did things ever take a turn.

First of all, do not tell me that I am not "country" enough to understand that it's still a river. It is NOT still a river. Rivers have water in them. Rivers HAVE to have water in them. It's what makes them a gods-damned river! If there is no water then it is a dried up river bed. It is not, I repeat NOT still a river when there is no water flowing through it!

That is something like saying to me, "Hey, what do you think of all this rain? Kinda dry, isn't it?"

No! No it isn't fucking dry! It is rain! Rain is water, water is wet! Go to your corner and HIT YOURSELF until you learn something. I don't care what you learn. The important thing is that when you come back to speak to me, you need to be smarter or I can't be held responsible for my actions.

Now... If you want to say something like, "Well, we just all call it the river," fine. You are still wrong but I can accept that you refer to it that way and let it go. But for fucks sake, don't you DARE tell me I am wrong for insisting that a river has water.

Let's go ask Erin at Wordnik again and see what they have to say.

RIVER

1. noun A large natural stream of water emptying into an ocean, lake, or other body of water and usually fed along its course by converging tributaries.
2. noun A stream or abundant flow.

I feel I need to take a moment and point out a couple of key words I noticed in there, just in case you might have missed them...

Item number the first: ~Water~

Item number the second: ~Flow~

I would take a moment to point out the words abundant or stream but then I have to look up more definitions with more words to point out and so on and so on... It would lead to stress, anarchy, plagues of frogs, zombie wars, locusts (::cringe::) and the eventual demise of civilization and I just can't fucking take it.

::Deep breath...::

Alright.

Seriously now though, I could have left it alone if it weren't for the phrase, "You don't know what you're talkin' about. You just aren't country enough..."

This is why people assume country folk are morons!

I have known plenty of people in the south and many more in the country. Some of them have even affected that bumpkin like speech pattern where they sound kind of like they are just too damned lazy to finish forming the words. I have to tell you though, some of those people are pretty damned smart! I will just about guarantee that any one of them can tell me about things I know nothing about.

What I am trying to say here is this. I am a very smart guy but I am more than willing to accept that there are things you know more about than I do. If you would care to correct or educate me on any one of those things, I welcome the chance to expand my personal knowledge. (Alright, honestly I am a bit of a know-it-all. But I swear, once I realize you are right and I am wrong, I will not only admit it but I will then apologize for ever having insisted I was correct in the first place.)

But never, ever, tell me that I am wrong on something that gods damned simple. Especially not when there are any number of ways to look and prove the truth.

So, to sum up... This is a river



This, is not a river.



Did everybody catch the difference? I hope it wasn't too subtle. (Just in case... The second one is DRY!)

You don't drown by falling into water. You drown by staying there.
-Robert Allen-

Individualization...

I got an email the other day from my little sister. This fact, in and of itself, was both surprising and pleasing but when I read the message she had sent I had to stop for a few minutes to think of a way to respond.

My sister is 13 years old now and is a freshman in high school. (Yikes! That is scarier than I care to admit.) I was 17 when she was born so, while we may have lived under the same roof for a few years, we were never exactly close as siblings. By the time she was old enough to be self aware I had already stared striking out to begin my own life. In fact, over the last few years, I have seen her only when I have been able to fly back home for my (rather infrequent) visits.

Not withstanding our lack of closeness, I have always held at least a modicum of sway over her tastes and preferences. I mean, I introduced her to Rocky Horror Picture Show when she was around three and she keeps viewing it regularly this day. (Note to self: Check with sister to learn current number of viewings to date.)

I also helped formulate her musical tastes by introducing her to music I myself enjoy. Perhaps it isn't surprising that she sent me a message asking me for feedback and ideas pertaining to new music that she should listen to and enjoy. What was surprising was the reason...

Apparently, my sister is striving to become an individual. She wants to set herself apart from her peers by having her own tastes and such.

I can get behind that to a point so I sent her some ideas. I recommended listening to several different musical genres that are less mainstream than she would generally hear on the radio. In particular, I mentioned show-tunes (a long time favorite of mine), along with classical and opera as being something new for her to check. I also recommended that she listen to some oldies just because, well, they are awesome and I think everyone ought to be able to find some kind of oldies to enjoy. Hell... If it has withstood the years and is still something people want to hear then there almost has to be something in it worth listening to!

Anyway, all that being said I think that there is something more important to keep in mind. Being an individual means more than just liking things that other people don't like or are unexposed to. Being an individual does encompass that but it is also having the courage and strength of character to hold to your own personal preferences. That includes the times when everyone else likes it too.

Just because everyone likes something does not devalue it as a thing to like. Distinguishing yourself as an individual by disregarding that in which others see merit is both ignorant and stunting. (I considered making a goth or indie dig here... Something regarding the uniform of non-conformity or some-such nonsense... But then I realized it would open a whole other can of worms that I just don't have the attention span to tackle right now.)

Not that you have to like things because everyone does. That is just ignorance in the opposite (and more frequent) direction. All I am saying is that, before disregarding something based on the preference of others, a person owes it to themselves to give it their attention and thought in an effort to decide for themselves whether or not they can see it's merit.

I suppose that what it comes down to is that individualism is something that is based solely on self. If you really truly wish to be an individual then you have to be honest, introspective and strong.

In other words...

You have to like what you like without regard to the opinions of others.

And let's face it here... Ignorance is no bar to individualism. Not knowing something is not the same as pretending that you either do or do not like something.

Yeah... I think I had it right... Honest, introspective and strong (courageous?) enough to hold tight to your own individual truth.

It is nice if you can do all that without trying to ram your opinions down the throats of others too. Doing so doesn't disqualify you from the "I'm an Individual" club... But it does grant you membership to the "I'm an Individual Who Thinks My Opinion is Better than Yours" club. I like to call that one "I Need My Ass Kicked" for short.

And for fucks sake... If you ever hear yourself utter the words, "In my humble opinion," please... Just stop there. If it is humble keep it to yourself. If you think it is worth sharing, well then, it isn't humble. That's fine, really, but don't bloody well lie about it. You aren't fooling anyone, you know.

It is proof of a base and low mind for one to wish to think with the masses or majority, merely because the majority is the majority. Truth does not change because it is, or is not, believed by a majority of the people.
-Giordano Bruno-

The World Has Issues... Episode 2

There is a thing that has been brought up a time or two from various directions and today it struck me in a way that is reverberating around the inside of my skull, clamoring to be shared.

I think it is (mostly) self-evident when looking at the world surrounding me that, somewhere along the way, things took a turn. In particular, I am referring to the fact that happiness is thriving as a counter-culture to the one that most of us are living in.

It pains me that I have to stop and think to realize that, when I gaze around myself at the people inhabiting my world, most of those closest to me are struggling to keep depression and abject misery at bay. In fact, this truth has become so commonplace that it is just accepted as the way things are! I know almost no one who spends their time helping others actually achieve moments of happiness and joy. It seems that, as a rule, we are just too busy trying to keep each other from plummeting into the pits of despair.

Off the top of my head I can give you almost a hundred simple, daily illustrations of this truth but, frankly, I think it is so utterly appalling that I need to come at it all from a different angle.

Hence the illustration I am going to attempt to give as to how happiness has become a sub-culture that is thriving as it strives to run parallel to, and occasionally intersect with, the culture that most of us struggle through our day to day lives living in. (Yes, I know that two things cannot be parallel and yet intercept... We are using words here, not math. Alright?!)

Allow me to begin by sharing a video I was introduced to quite some time ago. It is a video documentary of something that should never have been extraordinary. Yet, because of the way we live our lives, it was not only extraordinary but also tragic, triumphant and, more than a little bit hopeful.



See what I mean? It is horrifying that we live in a world where this was so shocking as to necessitate being banned. Even more terrifying, however, is the fact that... in this day and age, so very very many people can be touched in so profound a way just by the simple act of sharing a hug with a stranger.

Another worrisome and bothersome truth is the simple fact that I find myself envious of those who seem to be in a place that they enjoy. (I know for a fact that I am not alone in this but it is up to everyone else as to whether they care to own up to that truth.) I am not saying that I am unhappy where I am.... Just... Well... You will see what I mean.


I will share two videos to show what I mean by this and then I am going to go find a way to have some fun for myself for just a few minutes. See you after the videos!





Alright, I'm back. Now where the hell are my people and why are we not having that kind of fun together just for the sake of doing so!??!

Why should it be the case that others get to have so much fun when the world doesn't see fit to furnish me with the time or opportunity to have as much fun myself. By no means do I think that those who are enjoying life should stop. To the contrary, I rather think that perhaps the rest of us should take a long hard look at what we are doing and find a way to incorporate more joy and wonder in our own lives.

It occurs to me rather belatedly that many people who know me in the world I currently inhabit are going to find all of this rather hard to accept as having come from my mind. On first impression I, apparently, come off as a dour, mean and miserable person. To those who believe that to be true, I can only say that I am sorry that you do not know who and what I really am. Everything that has been included here are sentiments that I feel from the very bottom of my heart and, more importantly, are truths that I believe in to the very core of my being.

Orson Welles, a tremendous (and sadly deceased) author gave his final interview only a couple hours before his death. At its core, this interview sums up beautifully what I have been trying to explain to everyone for years. Please, watch this last video and pay close attention to, not only the words this wonderful man says, but also to the true feeling and truth behind them.



*Merv: Are certain parts of your life really joyous?
*Orson: Oh yes! There are certain parts of almost every day that are joyous. I am not essentially a happy person but I have all kinds of joy. And there's a difference you know. Because joy is a great big, electrical experience. Just happiness is what a... oh I don't know, a warthog could be happy...
-Orson Welles on the Merv Griffin Show only hours before his death-

Talk Like a Pirate Day...

Alright! Another National Talk Like a Pirate Day has come and gone and I didn't hear nearly enough bad pirate accents!

Every year I remind people ahead of time... I call and text friends with obnoxious piratey slogans (and threats)... I go to work and spout off all kinds of verbal diarrhea tinted with pirate slang... And unless I happen to actually be wearing a pirate hat, all I get are confused looks.

I swear I can read the faces. "Is he alright?", "Oh my, you are a little touched aren't you?" and my personal favorite look, "Ahh... You are one of those people..."

Come on folks! This happens every year! I know for a fact that I am not the only one participating in these festivities! Relax and have some fun for fucks sake!

Let me break this down into the simplest terms I can.

What I am really saying is this:

Everyone, at one time or another in their lives, loves pirates. You may outgrow it and not really consider it your thing any more but if you ever find someone who can swear that they have never once enjoyed something piratey then they are either liars or have led a wasted life and have a serious problem. Therefore, it is your duty as a good and decent human being to FIX IT!

In other words...

Loosen up, relax, have some fun and, for the love of all that is good in the world, embrace that miraculously childlike bit of your Self you keep denying and talk like a gods-damned Pirate!

Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates.
-Life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain-

The World has issues... Episode 1...

Alrighty! This is my take on one of the ways that the World has gone all wonky!

Today's topic?... Spirituality.

It seems to me that this is one of those key elements indicative of an individual's humanity. Sadly, it seems that it is also sorely lacking throughout much of today's society.

Let me see if I can explain.

First of all, let me say right off the bat that I am not Christian.

I am also not Catholic, Protestant, Atheist, Buddhist or Wiccan. Hell, if I am going to be honest here, my spirituality and beliefs fail to line up with any particular established set out there.

So where does that leave me?

Well... In most situations I use the word Pagan because it tends to cover a wide variety of belief systems, many of which I draw from in an effort to define my own spirituality. Maybe spiritualist would be a better term but I hate to come across all new agey.

The bottom line here, however, is that I am a spiritual individual. Not as deeply spiritual as I used to be but spiritual none-the-less.

Alright then... Why am I saying that spirituality is something that has gone wrong with the world?

Because it occurs to me that most people are lacking in this area. I mean, people swear to have faith and live by His word and all that but, for the most part, it appears to be an empty faith. People are told to do this, not do that and believe in this because it is what He wants. "You have to have faith," they say. "Have faith and He will deliver you."

Only on rare occasions have I met someone who truly felt and believed in all of this. More often than not, it seems, people go to church on Sunday, not because they know deep down in their souls that it is right, but because they have been told that it is right and they never thought about it again from that moment to this.

Even more distressing to me are the number of people I have seen desperately seeking for something that felt right to them and wound up clinging with all their might to the elusive olive branch offered to them from this or that religious institution. It seems as though the shoeless man will wear any shoe, regardless of size, provided it means he no longer has to go barefoot.

It looks, to my eyes, as if religion has taken up a post as Keeper of the Void. People have come so very very far from our animalistic roots that something basic is now missing and rather than look deep inside of ourselves to see that void and learn best how to recapture that missing essence, we turn to religion as a crutch or a bandaid.

Now, I am not saying that religion is bad. If you have faith in something, by all means keep it close to your heart and never let anyone tell you that you are wrong. What I am saying, is that faith is not the only ingredient. There is more missing from us than words and ritual can replace.

For example, look at the food we eat. Not only is a hardy portion of it unnatural but there are words in ingredient lists that 9 out of 10 people can't even identify! And as if that weren't bad enough, those people who strive to maintain an organic diet are ridiculed for doing so. The same thing goes for vegetarians and vegans. It is more than a little bit distressing that those people who are doing their damnedest to live a healthy, natural lifestyle are being put down by people who are living lives so far removed from nature that they no longer have so much as a frame of reference.

Hell, I am as guilty of this as anyone and still it disgusts me. I really need to try to keep that in check.

Please understand that I am not a health food nut. I eat the same crap most other Americans eat. All I am saying is that I can see where the desire and need is coming from. In a way, it is almost as much a religion as Catholicism. It is choosing to live a life style based on the truths held closest to someone's heart. Seems to me as if they are more or less the same thing.

Need another example? Talk to your parents... Hell talk to THEIR parents and ask them what community means. Friends? Family? Probably not followers...

Social media is an absolutely wonderful thing but once again, it is only guarding a void.

At this point, so many people live their lives through the internet that it is a wonder anyone goes out of their houses anymore. I for one, have friends I would never have known if it weren't for this machine. I mean GODS! I live with a person I met playing World of Warcraft!

I think my Grandfather would be appalled. (Of course, he would have to bite me and get over it but that isn't the point I am trying to make today.)

When my parents grew up, their friends were the people they knew from school. Everyone was in the same geographical location and, unless they had close ties to family elsewhere, that was their world. Their family were the people related to them and that they knew in person.

Followers weren't even something that existed back then. (Unless you knew some o' them freaks up the block what wears der funny lookin' robes an' calls 'emselves the Followers o' Brother Zeke or some such nonsense. Don't go near em', don't talk to 'em, don't meet their eyes, and whatever you do, don't drink their Koolaid!)

Now each of us has a million followers on Twitter, 497 friends on Facebook and Myspace, and my family are people who are 2000 miles or more away and who I talk to once a week on a phone I keep in my pocket. Shit, I get to watch my sister grow up on Skype for fucks sake!

My community is made up of thousands of people I have never even met. Yet, I don't think that I know more than a handful of my neighbors and I have lived here for well over two years now.

Once again, let me point out that I do not mean to disparage these wonderful social networking tools we have arrayed before us. I use them daily and I have no intentions of giving them up. I am merely trying to find ways to illustrate how our spirituality is suffering from the fact that we have moved so very very far from our roots in nature.

Albert Einstein is quoted as having said, "It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity."

Spiritualism, I think, is an extension of the closeness we feel with the world around us; An extension of our humanity and as we have grown farther and farther apart we have lost something so basic that most people don't even realize that it is missing.

Maybe it is time we stop and examine that a little bit.

I'm just sayin'.

The gross heathenism of civilization has generally destroyed nature, and poetry, and all that is spiritual.
-John Muir, letter to J.B. McChesney, 19 September 1871-

More thoughts on movies...

So it was brought to my attention yesterday that I was inattentive to a number of movies that should have been mentioned in my post on required childhood movies.

I didn't so much neglect to mention such movies as Flash Gordon and Conan the Barbarian... It was more a matter of I really do not think that the youth of today is able to appreciate these films fully until they are a bit older.

The field of cinematography has come light years ahead of where it was 25 to 30 years ago. Not to mention acting. I hate to say it but the acting we appreciated back then didn't contain an iota of the subtlety and ease we see today. I think that this is, in part, because we can see things better now. Subtle facial expressions are able to be seen by the cameras and transmitted to us on our massive, trillion pixel screens at home. Actors are no longer required to be over the top to get their emotions across to a raptly squinting audience.

I imagine that it was a harder transition for them to reign themselves in than it has been for us to watch the change.

All that being said, however, there are a number of fantasy genre classics that should be watched by anyone with a love for the genre or even an interest in B-films in general.

To begin with, Flash Gordon. Quite possibly one of the WORST films ever created by man and more importantly, probably the worst film ever forced on us by our friends. This is the first film, in my memory, that was so very very bad that is was a wonder and joy to watch.



I have no idea whether the song was written to go with the movie or if the movie was entirely designed as a vehicle for the song... But I think "Flash" was the absolute best thing to have come out of this film.

And let us not forget about the awe we all felt at the sight of California's Governator swinging that broad sword before him as Conan. The Barbarian in 1982 and then again as the Destroyer in 1984 (the same year as Terminator was first released to us) was a hero to legions of stick wielding young boys. I should warn you though. Whatever you do, don't try too hard to understand the words. Arnold had spent far less time learning English than he had building muscles so the words are all but unintelligible. Not that it really matters. Who needs words getting in the way of a great hack-n-slash? That would be like trying to roleplay a character in 4th edition D&D!

The good news though, is that through Conan we met one of the first true heroines! That's right, Red Sonja was the third installment of this... well... lets call it a trilogy I suppose. (I am not sure if it was meant to be a trilogy but it would seem to have become one, regardless.) This film was the precursor to Buffy, River Tam... Hell! Even She-Ra, coming out later that same year, (1985 for those keeping score) owed something to the warrior goddess brought to us by Brigitte Nielsen.

Hey... I wonder who would win if she ever got into a fight with Zena: Warrior Princess!



Brigitte is still working by the way. There is a film called Big Money Rustlas in post-production and supposedly scheduled for release in 2010. Ron Jeremy is in it too so... Who the hell knows what this one will turn out to be.

Moving right along now...

Krull. 1983 had to take a stab at fantasy and this is what came of it. I have to be honest. I do not own this movie. While a small part of me is sorry to have to admit that fact a larger part thanks me every time I think about it. Krull was not a great movie. But it was a fantasy B-film that everyone ought to see at some point.

And just for the record... The only reason I don't own it is that I would actually watch it. I have no idea if this ever came out on DvD but if it did and I were to own it, there would be a time at least once a year when it caught my eye and I would have to sit down in front of it. About halfway through the left side of my brain would try to kill the right side of my brain and I am not sure how many more of those particular battles I can survive.

And finally, the trilogy to end all trilogies... Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness!



Can't you feel your brain melting, just a little bit?

Everyone in the world needs to see these movies at least once. Bruce Campbell (he is the one with the chin, remember?) is our time traveling hero and his boom-stick is the answer to everything in this life. If you haven't seen them, do so. If you have seen them, don't you think that it is time to see them again? Sally forth! and acquire them any way you can!

Now, keep in mind that I am, in no way, saying that this is the be-all end-all of movie lists for anyone. I have left a million or so titles unlisted and I recognize that my taste and that of others do not always line up.

All I am saying is that time changes things. These are films that I thought were absolutely wonderful growing up and that, with hindsight, I can't imagine feeling the same way about today. I think that today's kids are not going to be quite as able to appreciate these movies as we were. I certainly think that they should be seen but probably not until the kids are older or have developed the proper appreciations.

[Chieftan] Conan! What is best in life?

[Conan] To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.

-Conan the Barbarian-

Movies people should know...

It has become painfully obvious to me that the television and movie viewing habits of those more than around five years my junior are sorely lacking.

I blame the parents.

To begin with, I had a girl who, in her twenties (no lie) turned to me with a look of blank puzzlement on her face and asked, "What is Labyrinth?" It was absolutely all I could do to keep myself from bitch slapping her into next week. What is Labyrinth... Are you fucking kidding me?



First of all, you ought to at lease know the word and by the look of puzzlement on your face it appears that every vocabulary teacher you ever had needs to be fired or retrained or maybe shot. Secondly, HOLY SHIT! David Bowie, Jennifer Connelly and, most importantly, JIM HENSON! I mean... Muppet Show? Heard of it? How about Sesame Street. Thats the show with Oscar the Grouch and Big Bird... What?... Yes, Elmo too... Fucking Elmo. Remember when he was just in the background and occasionally annoying?

"I will regret this," I think to myself as I fearlessly plunge onward. "Tell me that you at LEAST know The Dark Crystal."




The look on her face makes a few of my own brain cells commit suicide. I'm not even able to hear the puzzled response, thank god, due to my ears shutting themselves down in self preservation.

By now, of course, there are several others who have joined in on the conversation.

My aching heart begs me to turn to some slightly more main stream titles. Ok, perhaps not exactly main stream, but movies that more or less anyone who breathes should be aware of.

Legend is put forth and greeted with something along the lines of, "That's the one with Will Smith, right?"



This is around when I start to cry. I point out that it has Tom Cruise, Tim Curry ("Who?) and that chick from Ferris Bueller. (Mia Sara for those keeping track. Legend was the only role she played priar to Sloane.) And still the look of stunned disbelief I receive pains me.

"Princess Bride!" I say, truly believing that every person alive needs to have, at the very least, a passing familiarity with the movie. Personally, I think I know just about every line from every character in the film.



Finally I get a hit! At least this one is still known by some of the younger folks. Not known well, mind you, but the awareness of it still floats around somewhere in the back of the collective consiousness. They seem to have no idea who Andre the Giant was outside of the confines or Fezzic and, it pains me greatly to say, are at a complete loss when I mention Mandy Patinkin. But I will accept the win in as much as at least the movie is still known.

Which is more than I can say for such other greats as The Never Ending Story. (The book is rubbish by the way. Keep away from it if you value your love of the film.)



The animated classic, The Last Unicorn. (I mean come on... What child, full of wide eyed wonder, doesn't want to see the magical majesty of animated unicorns?!)



Even movies such as the classically adapted The Three Musketeers barely register with people under around the age of 22!



I mean, that is some of the best written witty humor ever! I like to think that it was writing like this that gave birth to films like The Pirates of the Caribbean! And who doesn't need to know that a chase is properly refreshed by serving a Cabernet and not champagne?!

Revisited classics aren't exempt either! Hook, the re-visitation of Peter Pan, starring the truly genius Robin Williams is rapidly fading from memory!



Now, I don't mean to disparage the newer tales and movies. The majestically forged Lord of the Rings trilogy brought forth a new epoch in fantasy films. Harry Potter disappointed me in the theaters but, hell! It created a complete generation of new readers! The Twilight series doesn't really do much of anything for me but it has done wonders for book sales around the world and has helped maintain the literacy of children across the globe!

What I am saying is this:

Show your kids the new generation of fantasy and fancy films! By all means, watch them yourself! But for the sake of all that is good in film, PLEASE go back and share the stories that began it all! These films are far too wonderful to be lost in antiquity.

You will be glad you did. More importantly, (to me anyway) I will be glad you did. And I won't feel quite so powerful an urge to belt you one when you have no reference to what I am discussing with you. And that is something you will be as thankful for as I am.

Once long ago, before there was such a thing as time, the world was shrouded in darkness.

Then came the splendor of light, bringing life and love into the Universe, and the Lord of Darkness retreated deep into the shadows of the earth, plotting his return to power... Banishing light forever.

But precious light is protected, harbored in the souls of Unicorns, the most mystical of all creatures.

Unicorns are safe from the Lord of Darkness, they can only be found by the purest of mortals... Such a mortal is Jack, who lives in solitude with the animals of the forest.

A beautiful girl named Lily loves Jack with all her heart. In their innocence, they believe only goodness exists in the world.

Together they will learn there can be no good without evil... No love without hate... No heaven without hell... No light without darkness.

The harmony of the Universe depends upon an eternal balance. Out of the struggle to maintain this balance comes the birth of Legends.

-Legend-

Allergies and why they suck...

... A lot!

Well, as it turns out I did in fact have some pretty bad allergies when I was a child. At least, that is, according to my father.

In his version of events I had horrible allergies every year right around Halloween. I think he is full of shit. Halloween has always been just about my favorite holiday and I don't remember ever not being able to go out because of something like allergies. Of course, being that it is my favorite holiday, I may very well have blocked such a traumatic event out.

Moving along with the point of this blog...

When I moved to Tennessee a few years ago, I wound up sick and layed up for a couple weeks. Now it turns out that it may have been allergies.

And when I moved to Texas two and a half years ago... All doubt went out the window.

For those of you who don't know, Austin is nicknamed the allergy capitol of the world. Please... Let me be the first to tell you that it is very very VERY true.

Seasons don't exist here as they do anywhere else in the world. The seasons here, as I have observed, are as follows;

Summer
Crickets
Grey (only lasts about two weeks)
Cedar
and Summer again

Please, don't make the mistake of assuming that these seasons line up with regular seasons elsewhere either. The first year I was here we had 4 Cedars and 2 Crickets... I am assured that the year before I got here Grey included something called An Ice. (Yes, it warrants the capitalization. Supposedly it is where "Gawd" or some-such being takes "like a tablecloth of ice and snaps it out there, see, and it settles on the whole danged city and ain't no one movin' till it melts, right? 'Cause if gawd put it there he's gonna pick it up again, soon as 'is friends is finished with dinner") I have not yet witnessed the mythical Ice but I am assured by those who have that it is, indeed, impressive.

Anyway...

I have asthma. (Which of course means that any time something goes wrong with me my breathing is affected.) And so every time I get used to the allergens in the air and find myself able to breathe again... The freaking wind changes and I have to start over from square one!

Case in point...

Austin is in the middle of a drought. We have had a succession of 100+ degree days (enough to make a new record from what I have been told) and if you think the weather sucks wherever you happen to be then BITE YOUR TONGUE AND BE THANKFUL!!!!... I'm just sayin' is all.

So the other day it rained. Finally!

For about four and a half minutes.

Just enough to bring back the wonderful mold allergens that kick everyone's ass and makes it damned near impossible for me to draw breath without hacking up a quarter of a lung.

All of you here, reading this, are hereby named witness.

The day I am pronounced dead by way of blunt force trauma to the head it was NOT my roommate that killed me. That's right. It was NOT her despite the blood spatters from my room to hers and the still-wet blood on the hammer beneath her bed.

What killed me was the gods damned allergens.

Whether she finally gave in to my begging and pleading to be put out of my misery or if she just finally snapped and decided I needed to be stopped so she could sleep makes no difference at all. It was Austin and the allergens it produces that killed me.

So sayeth the me and so shall the truth be known!

Amen.

"The difference between an itch and an allergy is about a hundred bucks"

Dumbest Thing EVAR...

So I was leaving work today after a fairly rough day when I happened to glance to my left and beheld the dumbest thing I have seen in my life.

I work at Starbucks and we are located in a rather "meh" plaza. We are actually fairly busy but we are one of the few who are and there seem to be more and more empty shops each week.

Well, as I mentioned I glanced to my left as I was leaving work and there was a white piece of paper stuck to a door.

Being a naturally inquisitive person, I allowed my truck to drift closer to read the paper.

What it said was something along the lines of:

"Attention Locksmith.
Do not unlock this door for anyone unless in the presence of the property manager."

Now, as I understand these things, this is what is commonly known as a lock-out notice. They are generally posted on the inside of a door when the locks are changed after the business has failed to pay its rent. Basically, it is an eviction notice for a business entity.

Well, this isn't the first time I have seen one of these notices recently and it will probably not be the last. The reason this one was so damned funny was that it was posted on the door to a LOCKSMITH SHOP!!!

I found myself imagining all kinds of wonderful scenarios here. I mean, first of all... Changing the lock is certainly not going to do much to slow down a person who changes locks for a living.

But then I wonder how they went about it... I imagine the phone call, "Hello, Locksmith? Where are your offices located?... Oh, I see... Well I am afraid I will have to find someone else. have a good day!"

Or even better... The wonderfully brilliant young lady who goes into the office itself "I have a commission for you. I need a tenant locked out of the building. ::leads the locksmith outside and turns around smiling brightly:: Here it is! If you would just change the locks please?"

I mean when push comes to shove... When you have to "lock-out" a locksmith, you may as well just post a sign saying "Look, Bob... We know we can't really do much to stop you from using your shop but we would all really appreciate it if maybe you could send in a check every now and then and at least make it appear that we have some say in this.... Thank you for your consideration"

Anyway, this is probably not nearly as funny as I think it is right now. I'm way over tired and need a nap and maybe something to eat. But after the day from hell, this is the very definition of hilarity.

“A zealous locksmith died of late,
And did arrive at heaven gate,
He stood without and would not knock,
Because he meant to pick the lock.”

-William Camden