So... For no particular reason, it occurred to me today that when people grow up they tend to base themselves off of a role-model.
And then I followed that thought through to "Well then, who was my role model?"... Sadly enough it turns out that I dont think that I ever really had one.
I know most people tend to look up to their parents. Boys will grow up to be like their fathers and marry girls like their mothers... Girls will look for boys who can compare to daddy and copy all of moms recipes...
As it turns out that isn't at all what happened with me.
I mean, I do tend to call my mother on occasion for a recipe but in no way do I want a girl like mom... As for my father... Well, I found more instances of "Gods, I hope I can keep myself from ever becoming like that!" than anything else.
So who have I looked up to all my life?...
No one in particular.
I have met many people I admired though and I have tried to emulate the characteristics I found admirable in each of them. Not always with the success I hoped for but the effort and intent was there.
And so I am a hodgepodge of characteristics i found in other people. I took this from this friend or that from the other... Sometimes even just little things from that guy I met the other night who really seemed to have his shit in order in regards to some particular thing...
I think now that I am lacking in some ways because of this.
I was taught manners as a child but never etiquette.
I know everything about performing or working on stage... But I never have really learned to dance.
I know how to think and Im pretty bloody good at it but I have never had anyone there as a constant for long enough to have learned which things to think about.
I am a damned fine friend to those I hold dear and learning how to do that was a long and tiresome process filled with pitfalls and some rather large mistakes.
Frankly, Im pretty good at a lot of things... Outstanding at some and passable at others but, all in all, I can do pretty much what needs to be done.
I think part of where I have made mistakes is that... Not only are certain things in my personal education lacking... But some of the things I have seen in others and thought "I definitely do NOT want that to be me" have never grown into anything but that... There are things that I know beyond doubt that I do not want to be but that doesn't mean that I want to be the opposite. There are just some things I have never found the right answer to.
And that's why people should probably have a role model or two... Someone or someones to look at as a complete individual rather than just collecting parts of a whole.
So, I suppose what it comes down to is that I spent the day sitting in the back of my mind and examining my flaws.
I am not saying that I do not like who I am ... Only that I have realized that there are still parts of me waiting to be created.
Maybe it is time for me to get on that.
You know... Now that I know.
In closing... A quote that I have been fixated on for the past little bit...
"Where do I belong?
Where do I fit?
Who are my people?
Where do my loyalties lie?
We all choose our tribe.
Its that need to belong... To live within boundaries... Because its scary on the outside... On the fringes.
Some labels are forced on us.
They mark us... Set us apart until we are like ghosts... Just... drifting through other peoples lives.
But only if we let the labels hold.
You can piss your whole life away trying out who you might be.
It's when you've worked out who you ARE... That you can really start to live."
-From Being Human