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Friday, January 4, 2013

Welcome to 2013...

Alright, I admit it... Making myself write and post here regularly has been difficult. I have things I want to say but I have trouble finding ways to articulate the thoughts I wish to share in a fun, yet meaningful manner. I am going to try again but I need to ask for some help...

Let me begin by offering a quick summation on what I am doing here right now...

2012 was a hell of a year. There were a lot of ups followed by a lot of downs. 2013 is going to be better if only by act of will alone.

I have made a lot of changes in the past few years and I have a lot more planned for the upcoming one. Including, I hope, a more successful return to writing and sharing on a regular basis. How can you help, you ask? I need encouragement. I need to know that I have an audience who are seeing what I am choosing to share. Whether you agree or not, say a few words. Conversation is good. Sharing thoughts are good.

What I really mean is that I need to know that there are living, breathing people with more than half a brain out there.

Now onto the message I wish to impart as my new year's greeting... 

As I am writing this, I have Hulu playing in the background. There is a commercial playing during each break in the programming that makes me despair for the human race. It is for a show on MTV called "Snooki and JWOWW". I'm not positive but I think I may be having a fucking aneurism.

Now, first of all, I want someone to round up the people who came up with the idea of Jersey Shore and put them to a very public and very painful death. Once they are gone, I want someone to find me everyone involved in deciding there should be a spin-off following this useless whore. These people, I don't want killed. I want them propped in front of a television set and forced to watch video of this bitch twenty-four hours a day. In this way, I expect one of two things to happen:

A.) Their brains will liquefy and dribble out their ears and down their neck. When this happens, we strap them to a table and administer electroshock therapy until they fucking well apologize. I mean it. They suffer until they apologize for subjecting anyone and everyone to their particular brand of stupid. Then, and only then, are they allowed to leave the building to be trotted out into the public where I expect them to be pelted by rotten fruit and vegetables every day, for the remainder of their miserable fucking lives.

B.) Their brains may already be liquified or moldy and rotten or something. (Thus explaining the fact that they were ever able to have this fucking idea in the first place.) In that case I suspect they will will begin convulsing in some sort of bizarre cult-like ritual. At this point, we use them to film a new commercial along the lines of the old, "This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs." commercials popularized back in the 80's. The main difference will be that we crack their skulls open with a frying pan and televise the resulting sewage. This commercial is to be shown three times in a row, every ten minutes, each and every time the fucking Snooki hour is on television.

Once we have gotten rid of them, (and I should stress that the MTV executives that Okay-ed the show in the first place are every bit as culpable and were therefore were included with the shows originators), we round up the show's fans. Every-single-gods-damned-one of them is to be sterilized without regard to age, sex, race, creed, or sexual preference. None of these fuckers are allowed to procreate. There will be no second chances. Their worth has been weighed, measured, and found wanting. There shall be no next generation of these useless pieces of shit.

Now, astute readers may note that I was referring to these people as individuals apart from my readership. I assume that since you are here, you are able to read and that you have better things to do than spend your time on the previously mentioned shows. In the event that you are a fan, I need a few things from you.

First, and most importantly, please don't tell me. It will change my opinion of you and I think we are probably both happier with me not knowing this particular secret of yours. If I found out, I would be forced to dole out grievous bodily harm and nobody really wants that.

Secondly, take a step back and have a good hard look at yourself. Really examine your life and your friends and the choices you have made to become who and what you are. If you are the type of person I am ranting about you should probably leave and, if you can find a sharp enough implement, cleanse yourself from the ranks of humanity. If you do not think you are the type of person I am referring to, STOP! For fucks sake, have some respect for yourself and find better programming!

Seriously, please. PLEASE. Somebody shoot these fuckers before they do another season. 

Now, lest I give the opinion that I am just an asshole biased against one particular show, allow me to clarify...

These are not the only people who need to be forcibly sterilized. I think we should also include anyone who thinks "Idiocracy" is a comedy rather than the mind freezing, terrifyingly possible, horrific commentary on the direction our world is heading that it is. I often jerk awake in a tearful cold sweat when I dream of the world prophesied in that film. If you don't, you should. 

There are plenty of other warning signs that you might be part of the problem. Far too many for me to include them all here. If you are uncertain, look around yourself at your closest confidants. If you see them and think to yourself, "Wow, all my friends are fucking morons!" then chances are you are made of the same mold. Off your friends then off yourself so that you can herd them into the next life. Please do not continue from previous saved points.

It is 2013 ladies and gentlemen. It is about time some ignorant mother fuckers be cleansed from the planet. If we can't cleanse them because of some sort of law or sense of civic responsibility, please, do the responsible thing. Hit them on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. If that isn't enough to snap your friends and family out of this shit, try a baseball bat or a 2x4. The world is going to pot and the country is growing more and more terrifying each day. 

Do your part. Smarten up a stupid mother fucker.

If you are afraid or unwilling, leave their name in the comments and I was bitch slap the stupid out of them for you. It is time to do our part!


  1. jersey shore got cancelled, the last season just finished airing. others beat you to the punch.

  2. Honey Boo Boo is OK though... right....

  3. @Anonymous - Yeah but they replaced it with a show specifically following Snookie. This is not an acceptable step in evolution.

    @TheNormal1 - No... Just... No... I am holding back some rather pointed responses here, just so you are aware.

  4. Frank, I totally agree with all of the above. Gladly, I do not even know what "Idiocracy" is. Please let me ... Anonymous - the fact that you know that is scary. TheNormal1 ... NO it is NOT OK! WELCOME BACK!

  5. @CarolH - I don't know if you should be glad you don't know what Idiocracy is or not. It is a chilling story that everyone should watch, and learn from! If you cannot be scared for the human race after watching that movie, then Frank is right-- you probably belong with the group of others that should be sterilized lol...
    I am quite happy to learn that Jersey Shore got cancelled, which I only found out from reading the comments on this blog (that is how far removed I am from that... show? Is that even a good word for it?). I am disappointed to hear about the replacement for it, which I also knew nothing about, but I -do- know enough to say that nothing good will come of it.
    Looking forward to more of your thoughts as the year goes on!