Agents of Shield... SPOILERS!...

Fair warning folks, I truly mean it about the spoilers thing.

So here are things as I see them...

Charles Gunn, having somehow survived the LA apocalypse, decided, "screw this shit, I am getting the hell out of this game."

Unbeknownst to him, the PTB (Powers That Be) granted him with some super powers since, as far as I can tell, both Angel and Spike had their asses handed to them by a Dragon.

Anyway, being a city boy at heart, he didn't really move on as far as he might have. More to the point, due to the previously mentioned apocalypse, he knew he would need to to lie low so he picked up the identity of Michael. (It isn't like getting a fake ID is exactly hard. Ask any 16 year old.)

High Powered Lawyer at Evil Incorporated gone turncoat and, so far, only known survivor of the apocalypse. Demon Hunter. Vampire Hunter. It all sounds cool as hell on paper but doesn't make for the best talking points in an interview. Failing to give notice at Worfram and Hart was probably a black mark on his resume too, so having few to no employment prospects (despite what he tells his son) he found work as a common laborer. He was probably happy for a while. Settled down, got married (To Annie was my hope. Sadly, the flash of photograph later on would seem to indicate otherwise.), had a baby and all that... but once he started manifesting super powers, old habits kicked in and he started working all kinds of crazy hours which eventually led to his wife leaving him. Unless she was killed by a vampire like his sister had been. That would be some shit, wouldn't it?

Of course, he probably considered using the Dark Avenger as a tag but that would have been disrespectful to Doyle and I would have had to kick his ass. (I have super powers too but we will get to that another time.)

Moving right along...

Of course, Michael, formerly Gunn, gets spotted saving random chick "A" because all his smarts have faded since leaving the firm and things are about to get real for our old friend.

Enter Agent Coulson. Coulson may or may not have been killed by Loki not too long ago. Right now, there are a ton of theories being thrown about to explain how he made it through that debacle. I have two favorites that I am going to share. 

First, the one originally put forth in the show, that Fury faked his death to draw the Avengers together as a team. Now, this seems reasonable enough and I would be willing to let it go at that were it not for the lines following immediately afterward that seem to indicate that this is complete bullshit but that Coulson cannot be privy to the truth regarding his own demise and subsequent rebirth.

Enter theory number the second.

Coulson is a clone, memories and all. Not only that but, (and this is my own personal twist here,) he is probably not the first either. Remember that hero worship he has for Captain America? Well, remember that kid who was thrown in the water and then told Captain Rogers to go chase the other dude because he knew how to swim? My money is on that having been Coulson as a lad. (The first one.) who later grew up to join Shield and be just like his hero. We know there is something especially fun about Nick Fury, why not his right hand man? But it couldn't be the same thing and so I am going with perfect cloning.

Enough of theories for now...

Speaking of longevity, HOLY SHIT! I KNOW WHAT SHEPARD BOOK DID BEFORE BECOMING A SHEPARD!

That is right boys and girls. Shepard book was around forEVAR! He has seen the forming of the Alliance and the tera-forming of hundreds of new worlds... And all of that is AFTER all of the background we are about to learn watching Agents of Shield!

And let's face it. If he has survived that long it makes perfect sense that the alliance is able and willing to render medical aid on his say so alone. Hell, I would go so far as to say it is likely he will somehow manage to pull through or be revived in the DarkHorse Comics that are coming soon. Probably be best if Captain Mal doesn't find out about that any too soon though.

For that matter, I imagine that somehow Mr Universe's entire rig got it's start with Rising Tide girl who is just plain hot in so very many ways. (I can't help it. Smart/strong chicks are sexy as hell.) It is all about the signal. From here to the eyes and the ears of the 'verse... Seems like the family motto started way back when, doesn't it?

Anyway, it turns out that it wasn't the Powers That Be that gave Michael Turner his fancy schmancy new powers but, instead, some sort of tech that has been grafted to his body.  Turns out he got hurt and his wife bugged out because, well, I honestly don't have enough information to speculate. Suffice it to say that shit took turns for the worse. You would think that with his experience with this sort of thing he would have been ready for when he turned bad but I suppose a run of bad luck can turn anyone a little hard. I blame the monotony of factory work.

Oh! You want to know who else is a badass?

Mulan.

It is pretty evident that she always has and always will kick ass. I was, however, slightly disappointed that she didn't have a chance to break into song. Maybe the show will go on long enough for us to get a musical episode. Or a puppet episode. Oh my gods! Singing puppets! Muppet Show! Fraggle Rock! Holy shit! Can David Bowie do a guest spot?

...

Alright, I have it together. Lets sum matters up here...

There are a few other characters... A couple of braniacs collectively called FitzSimmons (nice play, by the way) and a pretty boy who I hope gets interesting later. All in all, it has a good bit of potential so we will have to see what happens.

Oh, and as a parting thought, where the hell is my hover car? It is 2013 already. Why aren't these in mainstream production yet?

Welcome to 2013...

Alright, I admit it... Making myself write and post here regularly has been difficult. I have things I want to say but I have trouble finding ways to articulate the thoughts I wish to share in a fun, yet meaningful manner. I am going to try again but I need to ask for some help...

Let me begin by offering a quick summation on what I am doing here right now...

2012 was a hell of a year. There were a lot of ups followed by a lot of downs. 2013 is going to be better if only by act of will alone.

I have made a lot of changes in the past few years and I have a lot more planned for the upcoming one. Including, I hope, a more successful return to writing and sharing on a regular basis. How can you help, you ask? I need encouragement. I need to know that I have an audience who are seeing what I am choosing to share. Whether you agree or not, say a few words. Conversation is good. Sharing thoughts are good.

What I really mean is that I need to know that there are living, breathing people with more than half a brain out there.

Now onto the message I wish to impart as my new year's greeting... 

As I am writing this, I have Hulu playing in the background. There is a commercial playing during each break in the programming that makes me despair for the human race. It is for a show on MTV called "Snooki and JWOWW". I'm not positive but I think I may be having a fucking aneurism.

Now, first of all, I want someone to round up the people who came up with the idea of Jersey Shore and put them to a very public and very painful death. Once they are gone, I want someone to find me everyone involved in deciding there should be a spin-off following this useless whore. These people, I don't want killed. I want them propped in front of a television set and forced to watch video of this bitch twenty-four hours a day. In this way, I expect one of two things to happen:

A.) Their brains will liquefy and dribble out their ears and down their neck. When this happens, we strap them to a table and administer electroshock therapy until they fucking well apologize. I mean it. They suffer until they apologize for subjecting anyone and everyone to their particular brand of stupid. Then, and only then, are they allowed to leave the building to be trotted out into the public where I expect them to be pelted by rotten fruit and vegetables every day, for the remainder of their miserable fucking lives.

B.) Their brains may already be liquified or moldy and rotten or something. (Thus explaining the fact that they were ever able to have this fucking idea in the first place.) In that case I suspect they will will begin convulsing in some sort of bizarre cult-like ritual. At this point, we use them to film a new commercial along the lines of the old, "This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs." commercials popularized back in the 80's. The main difference will be that we crack their skulls open with a frying pan and televise the resulting sewage. This commercial is to be shown three times in a row, every ten minutes, each and every time the fucking Snooki hour is on television.

Once we have gotten rid of them, (and I should stress that the MTV executives that Okay-ed the show in the first place are every bit as culpable and were therefore were included with the shows originators), we round up the show's fans. Every-single-gods-damned-one of them is to be sterilized without regard to age, sex, race, creed, or sexual preference. None of these fuckers are allowed to procreate. There will be no second chances. Their worth has been weighed, measured, and found wanting. There shall be no next generation of these useless pieces of shit.

Now, astute readers may note that I was referring to these people as individuals apart from my readership. I assume that since you are here, you are able to read and that you have better things to do than spend your time on the previously mentioned shows. In the event that you are a fan, I need a few things from you.

First, and most importantly, please don't tell me. It will change my opinion of you and I think we are probably both happier with me not knowing this particular secret of yours. If I found out, I would be forced to dole out grievous bodily harm and nobody really wants that.

Secondly, take a step back and have a good hard look at yourself. Really examine your life and your friends and the choices you have made to become who and what you are. If you are the type of person I am ranting about you should probably leave and, if you can find a sharp enough implement, cleanse yourself from the ranks of humanity. If you do not think you are the type of person I am referring to, STOP! For fucks sake, have some respect for yourself and find better programming!

Seriously, please. PLEASE. Somebody shoot these fuckers before they do another season. 

Now, lest I give the opinion that I am just an asshole biased against one particular show, allow me to clarify...

These are not the only people who need to be forcibly sterilized. I think we should also include anyone who thinks "Idiocracy" is a comedy rather than the mind freezing, terrifyingly possible, horrific commentary on the direction our world is heading that it is. I often jerk awake in a tearful cold sweat when I dream of the world prophesied in that film. If you don't, you should. 

There are plenty of other warning signs that you might be part of the problem. Far too many for me to include them all here. If you are uncertain, look around yourself at your closest confidants. If you see them and think to yourself, "Wow, all my friends are fucking morons!" then chances are you are made of the same mold. Off your friends then off yourself so that you can herd them into the next life. Please do not continue from previous saved points.

It is 2013 ladies and gentlemen. It is about time some ignorant mother fuckers be cleansed from the planet. If we can't cleanse them because of some sort of law or sense of civic responsibility, please, do the responsible thing. Hit them on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. If that isn't enough to snap your friends and family out of this shit, try a baseball bat or a 2x4. The world is going to pot and the country is growing more and more terrifying each day. 

Do your part. Smarten up a stupid mother fucker.

If you are afraid or unwilling, leave their name in the comments and I was bitch slap the stupid out of them for you. It is time to do our part!