So it was brought to my attention yesterday that I was inattentive to a number of movies that should have been mentioned in my post on required childhood movies.
I didn't so much neglect to mention such movies as Flash Gordon and Conan the Barbarian... It was more a matter of I really do not think that the youth of today is able to appreciate these films fully until they are a bit older.
The field of cinematography has come light years ahead of where it was 25 to 30 years ago. Not to mention acting. I hate to say it but the acting we appreciated back then didn't contain an iota of the subtlety and ease we see today. I think that this is, in part, because we can see things better now. Subtle facial expressions are able to be seen by the cameras and transmitted to us on our massive, trillion pixel screens at home. Actors are no longer required to be over the top to get their emotions across to a raptly squinting audience.
I imagine that it was a harder transition for them to reign themselves in than it has been for us to watch the change.
All that being said, however, there are a number of fantasy genre classics that should be watched by anyone with a love for the genre or even an interest in B-films in general.
To begin with, Flash Gordon. Quite possibly one of the WORST films ever created by man and more importantly, probably the worst film ever forced on us by our friends. This is the first film, in my memory, that was so very very bad that is was a wonder and joy to watch.
I have no idea whether the song was written to go with the movie or if the movie was entirely designed as a vehicle for the song... But I think "Flash" was the absolute best thing to have come out of this film.
And let us not forget about the awe we all felt at the sight of California's Governator swinging that broad sword before him as Conan. The Barbarian in 1982 and then again as the Destroyer in 1984 (the same year as Terminator was first released to us) was a hero to legions of stick wielding young boys. I should warn you though. Whatever you do, don't try too hard to understand the words. Arnold had spent far less time learning English than he had building muscles so the words are all but unintelligible. Not that it really matters. Who needs words getting in the way of a great hack-n-slash? That would be like trying to roleplay a character in 4th edition D&D!
The good news though, is that through Conan we met one of the first true heroines! That's right, Red Sonja was the third installment of this... well... lets call it a trilogy I suppose. (I am not sure if it was meant to be a trilogy but it would seem to have become one, regardless.) This film was the precursor to Buffy, River Tam... Hell! Even She-Ra, coming out later that same year, (1985 for those keeping score) owed something to the warrior goddess brought to us by Brigitte Nielsen.
Hey... I wonder who would win if she ever got into a fight with Zena: Warrior Princess!
Brigitte is still working by the way. There is a film called Big Money Rustlas in post-production and supposedly scheduled for release in 2010. Ron Jeremy is in it too so... Who the hell knows what this one will turn out to be.
Moving right along now...
Krull. 1983 had to take a stab at fantasy and this is what came of it. I have to be honest. I do not own this movie. While a small part of me is sorry to have to admit that fact a larger part thanks me every time I think about it. Krull was not a great movie. But it was a fantasy B-film that everyone ought to see at some point.
And just for the record... The only reason I don't own it is that I would actually watch it. I have no idea if this ever came out on DvD but if it did and I were to own it, there would be a time at least once a year when it caught my eye and I would have to sit down in front of it. About halfway through the left side of my brain would try to kill the right side of my brain and I am not sure how many more of those particular battles I can survive.
And finally, the trilogy to end all trilogies... Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness!
Can't you feel your brain melting, just a little bit?
Everyone in the world needs to see these movies at least once. Bruce Campbell (he is the one with the chin, remember?) is our time traveling hero and his boom-stick is the answer to everything in this life. If you haven't seen them, do so. If you have seen them, don't you think that it is time to see them again? Sally forth! and acquire them any way you can!
Now, keep in mind that I am, in no way, saying that this is the be-all end-all of movie lists for anyone. I have left a million or so titles unlisted and I recognize that my taste and that of others do not always line up.
All I am saying is that time changes things. These are films that I thought were absolutely wonderful growing up and that, with hindsight, I can't imagine feeling the same way about today. I think that today's kids are not going to be quite as able to appreciate these movies as we were. I certainly think that they should be seen but probably not until the kids are older or have developed the proper appreciations.
[Chieftan] Conan! What is best in life?
[Conan] To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.
-Conan the Barbarian-
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Monday, August 31, 2009
Movies people should know...
It has become painfully obvious to me that the television and movie viewing habits of those more than around five years my junior are sorely lacking.
I blame the parents.
To begin with, I had a girl who, in her twenties (no lie) turned to me with a look of blank puzzlement on her face and asked, "What is Labyrinth?" It was absolutely all I could do to keep myself from bitch slapping her into next week. What is Labyrinth... Are you fucking kidding me?
First of all, you ought to at lease know the word and by the look of puzzlement on your face it appears that every vocabulary teacher you ever had needs to be fired or retrained or maybe shot. Secondly, HOLY SHIT! David Bowie, Jennifer Connelly and, most importantly, JIM HENSON! I mean... Muppet Show? Heard of it? How about Sesame Street. Thats the show with Oscar the Grouch and Big Bird... What?... Yes, Elmo too... Fucking Elmo. Remember when he was just in the background and occasionally annoying?
"I will regret this," I think to myself as I fearlessly plunge onward. "Tell me that you at LEAST know The Dark Crystal."
The look on her face makes a few of my own brain cells commit suicide. I'm not even able to hear the puzzled response, thank god, due to my ears shutting themselves down in self preservation.
By now, of course, there are several others who have joined in on the conversation.
My aching heart begs me to turn to some slightly more main stream titles. Ok, perhaps not exactly main stream, but movies that more or less anyone who breathes should be aware of.
Legend is put forth and greeted with something along the lines of, "That's the one with Will Smith, right?"
This is around when I start to cry. I point out that it has Tom Cruise, Tim Curry ("Who?) and that chick from Ferris Bueller. (Mia Sara for those keeping track. Legend was the only role she played priar to Sloane.) And still the look of stunned disbelief I receive pains me.
"Princess Bride!" I say, truly believing that every person alive needs to have, at the very least, a passing familiarity with the movie. Personally, I think I know just about every line from every character in the film.
Finally I get a hit! At least this one is still known by some of the younger folks. Not known well, mind you, but the awareness of it still floats around somewhere in the back of the collective consiousness. They seem to have no idea who Andre the Giant was outside of the confines or Fezzic and, it pains me greatly to say, are at a complete loss when I mention Mandy Patinkin. But I will accept the win in as much as at least the movie is still known.
Which is more than I can say for such other greats as The Never Ending Story. (The book is rubbish by the way. Keep away from it if you value your love of the film.)
The animated classic, The Last Unicorn. (I mean come on... What child, full of wide eyed wonder, doesn't want to see the magical majesty of animated unicorns?!)
Even movies such as the classically adapted The Three Musketeers barely register with people under around the age of 22!
I mean, that is some of the best written witty humor ever! I like to think that it was writing like this that gave birth to films like The Pirates of the Caribbean! And who doesn't need to know that a chase is properly refreshed by serving a Cabernet and not champagne?!
Revisited classics aren't exempt either! Hook, the re-visitation of Peter Pan, starring the truly genius Robin Williams is rapidly fading from memory!
Now, I don't mean to disparage the newer tales and movies. The majestically forged Lord of the Rings trilogy brought forth a new epoch in fantasy films. Harry Potter disappointed me in the theaters but, hell! It created a complete generation of new readers! The Twilight series doesn't really do much of anything for me but it has done wonders for book sales around the world and has helped maintain the literacy of children across the globe!
What I am saying is this:
Show your kids the new generation of fantasy and fancy films! By all means, watch them yourself! But for the sake of all that is good in film, PLEASE go back and share the stories that began it all! These films are far too wonderful to be lost in antiquity.
You will be glad you did. More importantly, (to me anyway) I will be glad you did. And I won't feel quite so powerful an urge to belt you one when you have no reference to what I am discussing with you. And that is something you will be as thankful for as I am.
Once long ago, before there was such a thing as time, the world was shrouded in darkness.
Then came the splendor of light, bringing life and love into the Universe, and the Lord of Darkness retreated deep into the shadows of the earth, plotting his return to power... Banishing light forever.
But precious light is protected, harbored in the souls of Unicorns, the most mystical of all creatures.
Unicorns are safe from the Lord of Darkness, they can only be found by the purest of mortals... Such a mortal is Jack, who lives in solitude with the animals of the forest.
A beautiful girl named Lily loves Jack with all her heart. In their innocence, they believe only goodness exists in the world.
Together they will learn there can be no good without evil... No love without hate... No heaven without hell... No light without darkness.
The harmony of the Universe depends upon an eternal balance. Out of the struggle to maintain this balance comes the birth of Legends.
-Legend-
I blame the parents.
To begin with, I had a girl who, in her twenties (no lie) turned to me with a look of blank puzzlement on her face and asked, "What is Labyrinth?" It was absolutely all I could do to keep myself from bitch slapping her into next week. What is Labyrinth... Are you fucking kidding me?
First of all, you ought to at lease know the word and by the look of puzzlement on your face it appears that every vocabulary teacher you ever had needs to be fired or retrained or maybe shot. Secondly, HOLY SHIT! David Bowie, Jennifer Connelly and, most importantly, JIM HENSON! I mean... Muppet Show? Heard of it? How about Sesame Street. Thats the show with Oscar the Grouch and Big Bird... What?... Yes, Elmo too... Fucking Elmo. Remember when he was just in the background and occasionally annoying?
"I will regret this," I think to myself as I fearlessly plunge onward. "Tell me that you at LEAST know The Dark Crystal."
The look on her face makes a few of my own brain cells commit suicide. I'm not even able to hear the puzzled response, thank god, due to my ears shutting themselves down in self preservation.
By now, of course, there are several others who have joined in on the conversation.
My aching heart begs me to turn to some slightly more main stream titles. Ok, perhaps not exactly main stream, but movies that more or less anyone who breathes should be aware of.
Legend is put forth and greeted with something along the lines of, "That's the one with Will Smith, right?"
This is around when I start to cry. I point out that it has Tom Cruise, Tim Curry ("Who?) and that chick from Ferris Bueller. (Mia Sara for those keeping track. Legend was the only role she played priar to Sloane.) And still the look of stunned disbelief I receive pains me.
"Princess Bride!" I say, truly believing that every person alive needs to have, at the very least, a passing familiarity with the movie. Personally, I think I know just about every line from every character in the film.
Finally I get a hit! At least this one is still known by some of the younger folks. Not known well, mind you, but the awareness of it still floats around somewhere in the back of the collective consiousness. They seem to have no idea who Andre the Giant was outside of the confines or Fezzic and, it pains me greatly to say, are at a complete loss when I mention Mandy Patinkin. But I will accept the win in as much as at least the movie is still known.
Which is more than I can say for such other greats as The Never Ending Story. (The book is rubbish by the way. Keep away from it if you value your love of the film.)
The animated classic, The Last Unicorn. (I mean come on... What child, full of wide eyed wonder, doesn't want to see the magical majesty of animated unicorns?!)
Even movies such as the classically adapted The Three Musketeers barely register with people under around the age of 22!
I mean, that is some of the best written witty humor ever! I like to think that it was writing like this that gave birth to films like The Pirates of the Caribbean! And who doesn't need to know that a chase is properly refreshed by serving a Cabernet and not champagne?!
Revisited classics aren't exempt either! Hook, the re-visitation of Peter Pan, starring the truly genius Robin Williams is rapidly fading from memory!
Now, I don't mean to disparage the newer tales and movies. The majestically forged Lord of the Rings trilogy brought forth a new epoch in fantasy films. Harry Potter disappointed me in the theaters but, hell! It created a complete generation of new readers! The Twilight series doesn't really do much of anything for me but it has done wonders for book sales around the world and has helped maintain the literacy of children across the globe!
What I am saying is this:
Show your kids the new generation of fantasy and fancy films! By all means, watch them yourself! But for the sake of all that is good in film, PLEASE go back and share the stories that began it all! These films are far too wonderful to be lost in antiquity.
You will be glad you did. More importantly, (to me anyway) I will be glad you did. And I won't feel quite so powerful an urge to belt you one when you have no reference to what I am discussing with you. And that is something you will be as thankful for as I am.
Once long ago, before there was such a thing as time, the world was shrouded in darkness.
Then came the splendor of light, bringing life and love into the Universe, and the Lord of Darkness retreated deep into the shadows of the earth, plotting his return to power... Banishing light forever.
But precious light is protected, harbored in the souls of Unicorns, the most mystical of all creatures.
Unicorns are safe from the Lord of Darkness, they can only be found by the purest of mortals... Such a mortal is Jack, who lives in solitude with the animals of the forest.
A beautiful girl named Lily loves Jack with all her heart. In their innocence, they believe only goodness exists in the world.
Together they will learn there can be no good without evil... No love without hate... No heaven without hell... No light without darkness.
The harmony of the Universe depends upon an eternal balance. Out of the struggle to maintain this balance comes the birth of Legends.
-Legend-
Sunday, August 30, 2009
And for tonights dinner...
We have Venison Sauce and Pasta!
This sauce came out differently from my usual sauce. Which I suppose makes a degree of sense when you consider I didn't make it anything like the sauce I generally make.
Tonight we started at around 11am my slowly torturing myself. No wait! I mean slowly caramelizing 3 medium onions. The torture was merely a by-product of being unallowed to eat the onions while having to smell them cook. (In case it isn't abundantly clear, I have a great love for onions done this way.)
From there we add the freshly thawed venison. For those of you who have never had venison you are missing out. For those of you who want to talk to me about Bambi, FUCK YOU! I mean, uh, you are missing out too and I would appreciate it if you keep your silly ass, Disney fanatic comments to yourself.
Venison cooks up like beef but has its own unique flavor. It should be said that venison does NOT taste "gamey". The gamey taste come when an animal is shot but not taken down right away. The adrenaline floods the animals blood flow and thereby winds up suffusing the meat. When an animal, in this case a deer, is taken down cleanly, the adrenaline never has a chance to sour the meat. What you wind up with is a very fresh tasting red meat that can be handled similarly to beef but imparts a slightly different taste that is a pleasure to the taste buds.
Sorry... Couldn't stop the tirade there.
Moving right along...
The venison was added to the newly caramelized onions and allowed to cook thoroughly before being drained of most of the grease that had cooked out of it.
After that we started adding tomatoes.
Now, by all accounts, I make some pretty damned amazing tomato sauces but i was working with a different meat here and therefore a different flavor. Not having used venison in this capacity before I had no idea where we were going to wind up, but I did have a pretty clear idea of the direction I wanted to take it in.
After adding a can of diced tomatoes (drained... I didn't want all that juice in there at this point), I started with seasoning things up.
I added some lemon pepper to give things a nice round tang.
Garlic to give it some garlic.
Garlic powder because I ran out of garlic.
A blend of red and black pepper to give things some kick because I was upset at having just polished off the garlic powder as well.
Cayenne pepper, because the red and black hadn't quite done enough to mollify me.
Then I rounded things off with a generous helping of parsley flakes, oregano and dill.
I am sure there were some other things in there too but off the top of my head, that is as complete a list as I can come up with.
I stirred it up and let all that simmer for a little while before moving forward with more tomatoes.
This time I added some more drained diced tomatoes and some dice tomatoes with chilies that I left the juice in. (Partially because I was at the point where i wanted some more moisture and partially because I didn't want to loose any of that chili infused flavor!)
Once again, we let that come to a simmer and basked in the slightly acidic aroma of a project well under way.
After a good fifteen minutes or so (and after watching Julia Roberts portray a character trying to impersonate Julia Roberts... My brain melted a little bit in there somewhere) we added a little bit of brown sugar to bring out the sweetness of the tomatoes and to kill off a little bit of the acidity. Generally I use a bit more than I did this time but, as I said before, this time we were aiming for something different so I didn't want to over sweeten it.
We let the sugar cook into what we had for a while then we added a good sized can of crushed tomatoes.
Finally our sauce was about to become more recognizable as sauce and no longer just a bunch of crap in a pan with meat.
Around now was also when I said to myself, "Oh shit! Bay leaves!" and dashed off to the pantry to get several to add hastily lest I be made fun of for forgetting. Again.
Here comes the slow part. Once things came to a simmer I had to back the heat down as far as I could while keeping it bubbling. Several hours like this and the flavors had begun to marry into something very much like the final goal I had outlined for myself.
Finally, around 4pm (5 hours after we have started, lest we forget) I added in two small cans of tomato paste to start pulling things together.
Around 4:30 we added in some cheddar and mozzarella cheeses. Now, for those who don't know me or who are unfamiliar with my cooking... Just about EVERYTHING needs to touch cheese at some point in its life or it can't be considered done. Much like the way that anything that has ever lived near a pig can be added to and considered part of sausage.
5 o'clock rolls around and we throw on some pasta to cook and at 5:30 dinner is served.
Now, as I look back at this post and read it over, it occurs to me that many of you will be trying to duplicate this and will assume that I forgot to mention salt and therefore will be adding some yourself at some point along the way...
DON'T!
Salt isn't something I just conveniently forgot to mention. I honestly didn't use any. All the flavors combined into something that carried itself just fine without it. If it is a concern for you, I suggest putting a shaker or mill at the tabe and allowing everyone to salt to taste. It is already pretty close to where most people are going to want it to be.
Now, because I feel it deserves to be mentioned (and if you don't then to hell with you), I served this dish on plates with some shredded mozzarella on top and some chopped green onions to garnish. I like to serve food that looks as good as I hope it tastes so I generally try to make things at least moderately pretty.
So, that is more or less what my day today consisted of. I share this with you all because, well, I want to and since you are still reading I am hoping you aren't too terribly pissed off at me for doing so.
I am going to leave you with a prayer. (Insert maniacal and infectious laughter here from anyone who knows me.)
Give us this day our daily taste. Restore to us soups that spoons will not sink in and sauces which are never the same twice. Raise up among us stews with more gravy than we have bread to blot it with Give us pasta with a hundred fillings.
-Robert Farrar Capon-
This sauce came out differently from my usual sauce. Which I suppose makes a degree of sense when you consider I didn't make it anything like the sauce I generally make.
Tonight we started at around 11am my slowly torturing myself. No wait! I mean slowly caramelizing 3 medium onions. The torture was merely a by-product of being unallowed to eat the onions while having to smell them cook. (In case it isn't abundantly clear, I have a great love for onions done this way.)
From there we add the freshly thawed venison. For those of you who have never had venison you are missing out. For those of you who want to talk to me about Bambi, FUCK YOU! I mean, uh, you are missing out too and I would appreciate it if you keep your silly ass, Disney fanatic comments to yourself.
Venison cooks up like beef but has its own unique flavor. It should be said that venison does NOT taste "gamey". The gamey taste come when an animal is shot but not taken down right away. The adrenaline floods the animals blood flow and thereby winds up suffusing the meat. When an animal, in this case a deer, is taken down cleanly, the adrenaline never has a chance to sour the meat. What you wind up with is a very fresh tasting red meat that can be handled similarly to beef but imparts a slightly different taste that is a pleasure to the taste buds.
Sorry... Couldn't stop the tirade there.
Moving right along...
The venison was added to the newly caramelized onions and allowed to cook thoroughly before being drained of most of the grease that had cooked out of it.
After that we started adding tomatoes.
Now, by all accounts, I make some pretty damned amazing tomato sauces but i was working with a different meat here and therefore a different flavor. Not having used venison in this capacity before I had no idea where we were going to wind up, but I did have a pretty clear idea of the direction I wanted to take it in.
After adding a can of diced tomatoes (drained... I didn't want all that juice in there at this point), I started with seasoning things up.
I added some lemon pepper to give things a nice round tang.
Garlic to give it some garlic.
Garlic powder because I ran out of garlic.
A blend of red and black pepper to give things some kick because I was upset at having just polished off the garlic powder as well.
Cayenne pepper, because the red and black hadn't quite done enough to mollify me.
Then I rounded things off with a generous helping of parsley flakes, oregano and dill.
I am sure there were some other things in there too but off the top of my head, that is as complete a list as I can come up with.
I stirred it up and let all that simmer for a little while before moving forward with more tomatoes.
This time I added some more drained diced tomatoes and some dice tomatoes with chilies that I left the juice in. (Partially because I was at the point where i wanted some more moisture and partially because I didn't want to loose any of that chili infused flavor!)
Once again, we let that come to a simmer and basked in the slightly acidic aroma of a project well under way.
After a good fifteen minutes or so (and after watching Julia Roberts portray a character trying to impersonate Julia Roberts... My brain melted a little bit in there somewhere) we added a little bit of brown sugar to bring out the sweetness of the tomatoes and to kill off a little bit of the acidity. Generally I use a bit more than I did this time but, as I said before, this time we were aiming for something different so I didn't want to over sweeten it.
We let the sugar cook into what we had for a while then we added a good sized can of crushed tomatoes.
Finally our sauce was about to become more recognizable as sauce and no longer just a bunch of crap in a pan with meat.
Around now was also when I said to myself, "Oh shit! Bay leaves!" and dashed off to the pantry to get several to add hastily lest I be made fun of for forgetting. Again.
Here comes the slow part. Once things came to a simmer I had to back the heat down as far as I could while keeping it bubbling. Several hours like this and the flavors had begun to marry into something very much like the final goal I had outlined for myself.
Finally, around 4pm (5 hours after we have started, lest we forget) I added in two small cans of tomato paste to start pulling things together.
Around 4:30 we added in some cheddar and mozzarella cheeses. Now, for those who don't know me or who are unfamiliar with my cooking... Just about EVERYTHING needs to touch cheese at some point in its life or it can't be considered done. Much like the way that anything that has ever lived near a pig can be added to and considered part of sausage.
5 o'clock rolls around and we throw on some pasta to cook and at 5:30 dinner is served.
Now, as I look back at this post and read it over, it occurs to me that many of you will be trying to duplicate this and will assume that I forgot to mention salt and therefore will be adding some yourself at some point along the way...
DON'T!
Salt isn't something I just conveniently forgot to mention. I honestly didn't use any. All the flavors combined into something that carried itself just fine without it. If it is a concern for you, I suggest putting a shaker or mill at the tabe and allowing everyone to salt to taste. It is already pretty close to where most people are going to want it to be.
Now, because I feel it deserves to be mentioned (and if you don't then to hell with you), I served this dish on plates with some shredded mozzarella on top and some chopped green onions to garnish. I like to serve food that looks as good as I hope it tastes so I generally try to make things at least moderately pretty.
So, that is more or less what my day today consisted of. I share this with you all because, well, I want to and since you are still reading I am hoping you aren't too terribly pissed off at me for doing so.
I am going to leave you with a prayer. (Insert maniacal and infectious laughter here from anyone who knows me.)
Give us this day our daily taste. Restore to us soups that spoons will not sink in and sauces which are never the same twice. Raise up among us stews with more gravy than we have bread to blot it with Give us pasta with a hundred fillings.
-Robert Farrar Capon-
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Allergies and why they suck...
... A lot!
Well, as it turns out I did in fact have some pretty bad allergies when I was a child. At least, that is, according to my father.
In his version of events I had horrible allergies every year right around Halloween. I think he is full of shit. Halloween has always been just about my favorite holiday and I don't remember ever not being able to go out because of something like allergies. Of course, being that it is my favorite holiday, I may very well have blocked such a traumatic event out.
Moving along with the point of this blog...
When I moved to Tennessee a few years ago, I wound up sick and layed up for a couple weeks. Now it turns out that it may have been allergies.
And when I moved to Texas two and a half years ago... All doubt went out the window.
For those of you who don't know, Austin is nicknamed the allergy capitol of the world. Please... Let me be the first to tell you that it is very very VERY true.
Seasons don't exist here as they do anywhere else in the world. The seasons here, as I have observed, are as follows;
Summer
Crickets
Grey (only lasts about two weeks)
Cedar
and Summer again
Please, don't make the mistake of assuming that these seasons line up with regular seasons elsewhere either. The first year I was here we had 4 Cedars and 2 Crickets... I am assured that the year before I got here Grey included something called An Ice. (Yes, it warrants the capitalization. Supposedly it is where "Gawd" or some-such being takes "like a tablecloth of ice and snaps it out there, see, and it settles on the whole danged city and ain't no one movin' till it melts, right? 'Cause if gawd put it there he's gonna pick it up again, soon as 'is friends is finished with dinner") I have not yet witnessed the mythical Ice but I am assured by those who have that it is, indeed, impressive.
Anyway...
I have asthma. (Which of course means that any time something goes wrong with me my breathing is affected.) And so every time I get used to the allergens in the air and find myself able to breathe again... The freaking wind changes and I have to start over from square one!
Case in point...
Austin is in the middle of a drought. We have had a succession of 100+ degree days (enough to make a new record from what I have been told) and if you think the weather sucks wherever you happen to be then BITE YOUR TONGUE AND BE THANKFUL!!!!... I'm just sayin' is all.
So the other day it rained. Finally!
For about four and a half minutes.
Just enough to bring back the wonderful mold allergens that kick everyone's ass and makes it damned near impossible for me to draw breath without hacking up a quarter of a lung.
All of you here, reading this, are hereby named witness.
The day I am pronounced dead by way of blunt force trauma to the head it was NOT my roommate that killed me. That's right. It was NOT her despite the blood spatters from my room to hers and the still-wet blood on the hammer beneath her bed.
What killed me was the gods damned allergens.
Whether she finally gave in to my begging and pleading to be put out of my misery or if she just finally snapped and decided I needed to be stopped so she could sleep makes no difference at all. It was Austin and the allergens it produces that killed me.
So sayeth the me and so shall the truth be known!
Amen.
"The difference between an itch and an allergy is about a hundred bucks"
Well, as it turns out I did in fact have some pretty bad allergies when I was a child. At least, that is, according to my father.
In his version of events I had horrible allergies every year right around Halloween. I think he is full of shit. Halloween has always been just about my favorite holiday and I don't remember ever not being able to go out because of something like allergies. Of course, being that it is my favorite holiday, I may very well have blocked such a traumatic event out.
Moving along with the point of this blog...
When I moved to Tennessee a few years ago, I wound up sick and layed up for a couple weeks. Now it turns out that it may have been allergies.
And when I moved to Texas two and a half years ago... All doubt went out the window.
For those of you who don't know, Austin is nicknamed the allergy capitol of the world. Please... Let me be the first to tell you that it is very very VERY true.
Seasons don't exist here as they do anywhere else in the world. The seasons here, as I have observed, are as follows;
Summer
Crickets
Grey (only lasts about two weeks)
Cedar
and Summer again
Please, don't make the mistake of assuming that these seasons line up with regular seasons elsewhere either. The first year I was here we had 4 Cedars and 2 Crickets... I am assured that the year before I got here Grey included something called An Ice. (Yes, it warrants the capitalization. Supposedly it is where "Gawd" or some-such being takes "like a tablecloth of ice and snaps it out there, see, and it settles on the whole danged city and ain't no one movin' till it melts, right? 'Cause if gawd put it there he's gonna pick it up again, soon as 'is friends is finished with dinner") I have not yet witnessed the mythical Ice but I am assured by those who have that it is, indeed, impressive.
Anyway...
I have asthma. (Which of course means that any time something goes wrong with me my breathing is affected.) And so every time I get used to the allergens in the air and find myself able to breathe again... The freaking wind changes and I have to start over from square one!
Case in point...
Austin is in the middle of a drought. We have had a succession of 100+ degree days (enough to make a new record from what I have been told) and if you think the weather sucks wherever you happen to be then BITE YOUR TONGUE AND BE THANKFUL!!!!... I'm just sayin' is all.
So the other day it rained. Finally!
For about four and a half minutes.
Just enough to bring back the wonderful mold allergens that kick everyone's ass and makes it damned near impossible for me to draw breath without hacking up a quarter of a lung.
All of you here, reading this, are hereby named witness.
The day I am pronounced dead by way of blunt force trauma to the head it was NOT my roommate that killed me. That's right. It was NOT her despite the blood spatters from my room to hers and the still-wet blood on the hammer beneath her bed.
What killed me was the gods damned allergens.
Whether she finally gave in to my begging and pleading to be put out of my misery or if she just finally snapped and decided I needed to be stopped so she could sleep makes no difference at all. It was Austin and the allergens it produces that killed me.
So sayeth the me and so shall the truth be known!
Amen.
"The difference between an itch and an allergy is about a hundred bucks"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
