Rivers...

I just had a conversation with a neighbor/friend person I know and something came up that just won't leave my brain alone. I am going to share this with you in the hopes that it helps to quiet the screaming the voices are doing inside my head.

She shared a story wherein she took a friend of hers down to "the river" to go camping. Well, as it turns out this particular water has no water in it. Ergo, no river.

Oh gods did things ever take a turn.

First of all, do not tell me that I am not "country" enough to understand that it's still a river. It is NOT still a river. Rivers have water in them. Rivers HAVE to have water in them. It's what makes them a gods-damned river! If there is no water then it is a dried up river bed. It is not, I repeat NOT still a river when there is no water flowing through it!

That is something like saying to me, "Hey, what do you think of all this rain? Kinda dry, isn't it?"

No! No it isn't fucking dry! It is rain! Rain is water, water is wet! Go to your corner and HIT YOURSELF until you learn something. I don't care what you learn. The important thing is that when you come back to speak to me, you need to be smarter or I can't be held responsible for my actions.

Now... If you want to say something like, "Well, we just all call it the river," fine. You are still wrong but I can accept that you refer to it that way and let it go. But for fucks sake, don't you DARE tell me I am wrong for insisting that a river has water.

Let's go ask Erin at Wordnik again and see what they have to say.

RIVER

1. noun A large natural stream of water emptying into an ocean, lake, or other body of water and usually fed along its course by converging tributaries.
2. noun A stream or abundant flow.

I feel I need to take a moment and point out a couple of key words I noticed in there, just in case you might have missed them...

Item number the first: ~Water~

Item number the second: ~Flow~

I would take a moment to point out the words abundant or stream but then I have to look up more definitions with more words to point out and so on and so on... It would lead to stress, anarchy, plagues of frogs, zombie wars, locusts (::cringe::) and the eventual demise of civilization and I just can't fucking take it.

::Deep breath...::

Alright.

Seriously now though, I could have left it alone if it weren't for the phrase, "You don't know what you're talkin' about. You just aren't country enough..."

This is why people assume country folk are morons!

I have known plenty of people in the south and many more in the country. Some of them have even affected that bumpkin like speech pattern where they sound kind of like they are just too damned lazy to finish forming the words. I have to tell you though, some of those people are pretty damned smart! I will just about guarantee that any one of them can tell me about things I know nothing about.

What I am trying to say here is this. I am a very smart guy but I am more than willing to accept that there are things you know more about than I do. If you would care to correct or educate me on any one of those things, I welcome the chance to expand my personal knowledge. (Alright, honestly I am a bit of a know-it-all. But I swear, once I realize you are right and I am wrong, I will not only admit it but I will then apologize for ever having insisted I was correct in the first place.)

But never, ever, tell me that I am wrong on something that gods damned simple. Especially not when there are any number of ways to look and prove the truth.

So, to sum up... This is a river



This, is not a river.



Did everybody catch the difference? I hope it wasn't too subtle. (Just in case... The second one is DRY!)

You don't drown by falling into water. You drown by staying there.
-Robert Allen-

Talk Like a Pirate Day...

Alright! Another National Talk Like a Pirate Day has come and gone and I didn't hear nearly enough bad pirate accents!

Every year I remind people ahead of time... I call and text friends with obnoxious piratey slogans (and threats)... I go to work and spout off all kinds of verbal diarrhea tinted with pirate slang... And unless I happen to actually be wearing a pirate hat, all I get are confused looks.

I swear I can read the faces. "Is he alright?", "Oh my, you are a little touched aren't you?" and my personal favorite look, "Ahh... You are one of those people..."

Come on folks! This happens every year! I know for a fact that I am not the only one participating in these festivities! Relax and have some fun for fucks sake!

Let me break this down into the simplest terms I can.

What I am really saying is this:

Everyone, at one time or another in their lives, loves pirates. You may outgrow it and not really consider it your thing any more but if you ever find someone who can swear that they have never once enjoyed something piratey then they are either liars or have led a wasted life and have a serious problem. Therefore, it is your duty as a good and decent human being to FIX IT!

In other words...

Loosen up, relax, have some fun and, for the love of all that is good in the world, embrace that miraculously childlike bit of your Self you keep denying and talk like a gods-damned Pirate!

Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates.
-Life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain-

Dumbest Thing EVAR...

So I was leaving work today after a fairly rough day when I happened to glance to my left and beheld the dumbest thing I have seen in my life.

I work at Starbucks and we are located in a rather "meh" plaza. We are actually fairly busy but we are one of the few who are and there seem to be more and more empty shops each week.

Well, as I mentioned I glanced to my left as I was leaving work and there was a white piece of paper stuck to a door.

Being a naturally inquisitive person, I allowed my truck to drift closer to read the paper.

What it said was something along the lines of:

"Attention Locksmith.
Do not unlock this door for anyone unless in the presence of the property manager."

Now, as I understand these things, this is what is commonly known as a lock-out notice. They are generally posted on the inside of a door when the locks are changed after the business has failed to pay its rent. Basically, it is an eviction notice for a business entity.

Well, this isn't the first time I have seen one of these notices recently and it will probably not be the last. The reason this one was so damned funny was that it was posted on the door to a LOCKSMITH SHOP!!!

I found myself imagining all kinds of wonderful scenarios here. I mean, first of all... Changing the lock is certainly not going to do much to slow down a person who changes locks for a living.

But then I wonder how they went about it... I imagine the phone call, "Hello, Locksmith? Where are your offices located?... Oh, I see... Well I am afraid I will have to find someone else. have a good day!"

Or even better... The wonderfully brilliant young lady who goes into the office itself "I have a commission for you. I need a tenant locked out of the building. ::leads the locksmith outside and turns around smiling brightly:: Here it is! If you would just change the locks please?"

I mean when push comes to shove... When you have to "lock-out" a locksmith, you may as well just post a sign saying "Look, Bob... We know we can't really do much to stop you from using your shop but we would all really appreciate it if maybe you could send in a check every now and then and at least make it appear that we have some say in this.... Thank you for your consideration"

Anyway, this is probably not nearly as funny as I think it is right now. I'm way over tired and need a nap and maybe something to eat. But after the day from hell, this is the very definition of hilarity.

“A zealous locksmith died of late,
And did arrive at heaven gate,
He stood without and would not knock,
Because he meant to pick the lock.”

-William Camden